June 12, 2002
Well my wallet was stolen. Not exactly but I’m not taking the blame for losing it so as far as you know it was stolen. My driver’s license, SSN, credit cards, and $140.00. Doesn’t that just suck. I had canceled all my cards and contacted all the creditors and put an alert on my files and was planning a trip to the DMV in order to get a new license and what appears in my mail slot at my post office. MY WALLET! Well yah! It was sent to me by a kind soul who didn’t bother to put there name on the envelope so I can’t thank them but I figure if you had decided to return the wallet but not the cash, you wouldn’t risk it either. I’m thinking they thought the postage was going to be more than the $3.50 it actually came to and then gas to drive to the mailbox and a little for the effort and all. I can see where they think they deserve the $140.00. Well I did say all along though, “Let’em take the money, just send back the wallet to save me from the dreaded DMV.” I do suppose that’s almost worth the $140. It’s good to have back though and a half-assed, teeth-gritting “thank you” for stealing my money but sending my wallet though. It’s still theft, don’t they know that. Would they steal from Kmart or Circuit City. No, probably not but how come people think it’s ok to take money from a lost wallet. That’s really the same as breaking in my house and taking it. Really. It’s a little baffling but whatever. It’s mind-boggling how people can justify certain things. Well they’re are rules people, and ethics, morals, codes to live by! I’m not really that miffed I just wanted a segue to the following which I thought was quite humorous.
Subject: The Code of Men: the Unwritten Code
1. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.
2. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow party goers.
3. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
4. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50
percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call BULLS%$T. Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent
5. If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.
6. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who’s running late is 5 minutes. for a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
7. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it.
8. Before dating a buddy’s ex, you are required to ask his permission and he, in return, is required to grant it.
9. If a man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem – you didn’t see nothin’.
10. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
11. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend’s cat.
12. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only
when you’re sunning on a tropical beach… and it’s delivered by a topless super model…and it’s free.
13. Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.
14. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, “What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin”, then you may sit back and enjoy.
15. Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
16. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.
17. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she’s withholding sex pending your response.
18. Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a “F@*K OFF!” You are absolved of your of responsibility.
19. The morning after you and a babe who was formerly “just a friend” have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.
I just now realize the 90% of you or higher are of the lady gender. Kinda loses a bit of it’s punch but scratch your crotch and take a spit and reread it and see if it’s funnier. No? Well at least that itch is gone, eh?